Being Confident vs. Becoming confident

Someone asked me is there any achievements that I have made? 

Before I could get clarified what sort of achievement I am expected to describe, that person rushed at the first place asking me further, how many awards/medals I have won or whether I have been featured in some note worthy magazines or if I had improved the lives of people, if so, what is the count and where are the photographs to support it?

I just closed my eyes, took a deep breath and answered ‘No’ with a wide smile.

Yes. I don’t have anything to my accolades and I don’t know if I would have some in the future too, because I haven’t done anything worth to deserve such recognition.

But then, I came to know, that person has remarked I haven’t made any achievement except surviving some 7 or 8 surgeries that I keep ranting to people and had a hearty laugh over it.

This made my internal sensation to process some unknown emotion quickly and soon I felt a rock ball in my throat, creating pressure. Oh yes! I haven’t made any other achievement other than surviving those surgeries and is that funny? Definitely not.

It is hard. My battle is far long. The depressing quality of life I have today where I shit in to a pouch in my abdomen is not that easy to bear.

Being a survivor of multiple surgeries isn’t easy. Starting with a surgery for hemmorrhoids, followed by fistulectomy, fistula plug, fibrin glue for recto vaginal fistula repair, ileostomy and muscle flap for RVF repair apart from bartholin gland cyst removal and c section delivery isn’t easy at all.

It may sound very simple for you. You might ask me this ain’t as frightening as multiple open heart surgeries or any other one of that sort.

Yes, I  agree, people are aggressively battling much cruel ailments like cancer, Aids, paralysis and such other brutal diseases than I have got. 

But pal, still and all, despite having all this insight, I should tell you this. Believe me, the torment what I am suffering till now, coz of this prolonged pounding pain is also impartially immense. And it’s extremely beyond my tolerance. Extremely.

Won’t you agree if I say, whatever intensity it comes with, pain is always a pain? You can’t think of quantifying it by comparing with others, when you undergo one.  It will intrude you causing to feel like breaking your bones and and sometimes it will invade you trying to consume you entirely.

But I continued to fight. I can’t say I just cried, but I sobbed through the battle. I felt crushed, I was completely devastated. Those pain episodes I suffered prior and post surgeries weren’t easy to handle. The agony of accepting the failure of couple of surgeries ripped me apart. But in the end, I survived them all.

Now, my next surgery is also to be scheduled shortly.

I wasn’t prepared for all this. I wasn’t that bold types to smash the huddles at face. I am the type of person who used to feel chill running down the spine even for a needle prick. But now, I went under the knives simply 7 times.

I wasn’t a fighter. I emerged as one.

Now, you won’t understand the transition of  that reluctant and shaky 16 year old who was embarrassed to even share about the pain in the ano,  to that dynamically evolved confident woman who openly talks about constipation and other issues relating vagina and anus in many public forums with an aim to spread awareness. The transformation is huge. It is in-depth beyond measurement.

And to me, I am not just a survivor. I am a crusader. Everyday rising and smiling with a weakened body is an accomplishment for me. I say so because, that sends me a ray of confidence to face the future with hope.

And if it is silly for you to be called as an achievement, I don’t care.

I believe my story would encourage people to fight against the struggles, with positive hope.

– Charvi Joy

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